shenanigans.

a compilation of complete ruckus.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

The Dirty South

So this is a blog dedicated fully to my roommate Katie from South Carolina. I have no clue whether or not she's copywritten so i might eventually find myself knee deep in law suits because of this. Oh well. Here's just a couple of situations i've found myself in with her.

#4- we were playing mad gab, a game that has jumbled up words such as "a peas knees guard." you say that sentence as many times as you can until you realize it is actually "a business card." anyway, we were playing and i was saying some sentence i can't remember, and katie starts yelling out, "hit that lame honey! it's HIT THAT LAME HONEY! come on!!!" clearly it was NOT hit that lame honey, but my dear bloggers, this is the dirty south.

#3- once again we found ourselves around the table preparing for another round of Mad Gab, and we immediately started yelling our "not it!"s, when katie stopped us all with a "stop gettin all up in my face! now listen! it's gonna be us three, against ya'll two." YA'LL TWO??? what's ya'll two?

#2- what, once AGAIN playing games, this time it was catch phrase. Katie, the dirty south, had a drink from chevron sitting on the table in front of her, and she moved it to take a sip, leaving a a puddle of water where it had been. Mariah sitting across the table looked over and asked "where is that water coming from?" katie's reply was "it's sweatin." and pointed to the cup, but it looked like she was pointing to her arm. mariah and i looked at each other like, gross! i've never laughed slash cried so hard. if someone's arm ever really sweats that much...well that's downright revolting.

#1- the all time, best dirty south moment ever= long story short, i went to an institute dance and hit on my second cousin. NO, i didn't know it was my second cousin at the time. YES, i did run away as fast as possible when i found out he was such a close relative. anyway, i came home and told katie this story, beside myself that i had done such a gruesome thing. katie consoled me by saying, "no that's fine! i kissed mah second cuzin once! we dated for about a year. oh, i still dream about those kisses at night." GROSS!

so that's the dirty south for you. beware.

Cookie Monsters

My roommate makes the BEST cookies in the entire world. i don't know what it is. It's more of an art than just following a recipe. i can only compare it to when you go to the cheescake factory and try their dolce de leche. it's like a little piece of heaven. that is what these cookies are like.

I am constantly begging her to make them, but she always replies with, "wait until wednesday,"(a.k.a. game night at our apartment) and then she'll FINALLY make them. so yesterday she FINALLY made them, and i was rationing them out one per hour. I can only promise you'd do the same if you were in my shoes. my roommates and i act like animals srounging for the last piece of a carcus. it's frightening.

"Hey! you took the bigger one!"

"GREAT, take the one with the most chocolate chips."

"DUDE! you took your second one five minutes early!" it's cookie war.

so it was game night and Mariah invited some of her friends over to play, and all of us girls went in my room to look something up on the computer. Once we were finished we went back in the kitchen, only to find the boys had left, and not only that, had taken EVERY...SINGLE...COOKIE!!!!!!!!!!! all of them! AAAAH! it was an absolute massacre. We officially banned those kids from our apartment, and i can promise you if i ever find them, they'll be cleaning our apartment with toothbrushes and fixing our cars for years to pay us back for the wrongs they've done.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Morning Breath.

This morning my roommate caught me dancing in the mirror.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

$.43


This image portrays two things. The first is an ugly man's face that i've never seen before covered in bubble gum. The second is the fact that as of right now, this is the only happiness i can afford. Let me explain.

A couple of days ago i hopped on the bus searching for the nearest America First, and after traveling the entire cities of Orem and Provo, found one at the Walmart just down my road. Trying to read a bus schedule is more difficult than trying to understand the book of Isaiah. Neither are possible. I finally entered the credit union, my hair a mess and sweat pits the size of texas(i was wearing a black sweater, it was eighty five degrees outside. yeah, i dont know why i chose to wear that either.) and i handed the man across the counter my card.

Here's where the story begins. I asked the guy if i could open a checking account, since i'm eighteen i thought i'd take a leap forward into this relm of adulthood. However, when i looked back figuring the kid would say yes, i'd sign a paper, and be on my way, i actually found him staring blankly back at me. He then went on, "Uh, mam, are you really sure you want to? you have exactly fourty three cents in your savings account. Are you worried you're not going to have change for the gumball machine? i guess a card would be good for you then."

I was taken back. Um, sir. i'm sure you've been broke too, so shut your cake hole and gimme the dang card. a.k.a. i was pissed. He then handed me a ring of cards with different pictures on them to choose from. i decided on the one with a picture of gumballs on the front, handed it to him and said, "i think i'll take this one. you know, just to remember you're little remark." word for the wise bank tellers: although people may be broke, dont address it, it's apparently a very fragile subject.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Bipol-ary


Oh this? this is me. Arg!!!

sunday night again, there is nothing to do in this darn town of orem other than surf the net. last week it was sex offenders, this week i decided it would be a cute idea to outline my dream life through pictures on my blog.

i dont get these things! i found my entire life..the perfect house with the perfect view with the perfect husband with the perfect pool boy down to the very last square foot of perfect carpet. but for SOME reason, this thing won't download a single picture, except for this frustrated man, that has an uncanny resemblance with myself at the moment.

man, i have now discovered that computer problems
are officially my #1 pet peeve. grr!!

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Sugarfree Laxative

So...my work, yes once again the candy shop....first of all you've got to understand, i'm there eight hours a day now, it's become my life, clearly i'm going to blog about it. anyway, so today i'm working. and everybody leaves but me, so i figure YES! the first time i've had the shop to myself, i'm going to scarf everything i can.

i went straight for the gummy bears. they're absolutely delicious, and they're sugar free, a.k.a. won't go straight to my thighs, or whatever people these days complain about. so i eat about, half a pound. yeah, that's just plain gross in the first place. so eventually i sit back, and a few minutes later my boss walked in, apparently she had forgotten to give me the key so i could lock the shop up when i left.

we got to talking, and i mentioned the fact that those gummy bears were SO good. i asked the most horrid question, "so...what do they use instead of sugar? i mean seriously how is it so good?" i know i shouldn't be publishing this across the internet, but it's worth losing a couple sales just to tell the story. anyway, she turns to me and answers, "well, i'm not exactly sure what it is, but i DO know that if you have like a lot of it, it works as a laxative."

almost instantly i felt sick. that's what, five miserable stomach aches this week. and i know that's understating. i was running to the back room all night. i don't get what my problem is, but i hope in the end i lose some weight from this, because i think i'm going to lay off the candy for a while.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Whoopsie Daisy

My work is surrounded by glass walls. Completely see-through. A middle-aged lady tried to come in today, and as a result of such clean, clear glass, she walked right into it and collapsed on the floor. sad, yes. hilarious, yes. i laughed my head off.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Everybody looks funny naked

after this description of my sunday night, many of you are going to wonder whether or not i am still an active member of the lds church. especially my family who has never actually seen the side of me that kisses guys or makes long lists with their friends of locations they want to make out at before they die. a.k.a. underwater, the bathroom on an airplane, in the rain, somewhere in johnny depp's house, etc. you can understand why my family wouldn't know about this, seeing as, well that's just weird. but for their sake i will say i'm planning on using this list post-marriage. mostly.

it all started last night when my roommates and i decided to get a jump start on our april fool's jokes this year. We hopped online to look for some good pranks to do to people in our apartment building, next thing we know we are looking at shirts with funny phrases on them(my favorite of which was "things not to say on your honeymoon night"-#1-Everybody looks funny naked...) haha.

Anyway....we continued wandering the web only to find- and i'm sure my mom is on the edge of her seat saying to herself "oh no hilary, where are you going with this", but not to worry, we landed ourselves on the local sex offender site looking up guys in our proximity. disgustingly enough, there were about 5 dirty old men over the age of 65 within a 5 mile radius. (i take a brief moment to gag.)

i'd like to forewarn you, if you are planning on checking this site out, do it with a group of girlfriends downing cookies and milk as we did, rather than alone in a cold, dark room. calling it creepy doesn't do any justice. it's a chill to the bone is what it is. in the end, i find myself revolted, much more educated in the relm of dirty old men(D.O.M.'s for short), and probably shocking to you, still an official latter day saint. i apologize for constantly ruminating about perverts, especially on the sabbath, but also cannot promise you that this will soon come to an end. meanwhile, have a most splendid day.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Shot Gun Girl





YES. This is Mr. Dierks Bentley. My new obsession. Last night my roommates and i decided we'd go to the state fair to go to his concert, seeing as we do so love his music. HOLY PISS! okay, so we get there, after being lost for two u-turn filled hours, and a large sign by the front gates says "DIERKS BENTLEY CONERT: SOLD OUT." i was so mad. so we're walking around and i get the worst stomach ache ever. one of those run-to-the-bathroom, get-the-freak-out-of-my-way, i'm-going-to-hurl stomach aches. you know what i'm talking about. and although the concert was sold out, we couldn't just drive an hour home for me to lay down, because i get car sick, and that would be ten times worse. so i was utterly miserable, sitting in this corner(actually, little did i know i was sitting under a big sign that said "LOST KIDS", looking miserable, i'm sure if i had put a hat out people would have filled it with money, because i totally looked homeless).

anyway, so i was sitting there, when i hear a familiar voice say "hilary?? are you okay?? you look totally miserable." i looked up and it was my friends david and alan, wearing "state fair" vests. a.k.a. they worked there, and to make a long story short, got us into the concert. We got seats in the very back, but after two songs we rushed the stage, and i found myself second row. now you can understand how we got this picture(above) SO CLOSE. yes, that is for real. he is SO HOT. we enjoyed the concert, i fell completely in love, and we went home. surprisingly i lasted the ride home. it was stellar. but man was it miserable while it lasted. the first picture is martha, myself, and hillary the second(my roommate) at the concert.


Friday, September 16, 2005

Turning Japanese

why cah i may up my mi? i wah to work at chinee restaurant but i work ah a chocolat store. wha do i do? i haf a interview at tree o'clock, so i guess i will see wha to do then. buh yestehrday i work for fie hours and do noting at all. we just stand arouh an eat chocolat. it souh fun but is bohring. i know dis is sor of racist but is jus so funny. i talk to the owner of panda an she gay me free food. i lie that abouh her. she real nice. den i talk to some other people at da store an they seem real nice. but after eatinh so much chocolat i just want to stay dare. chocolat is jus so good. i can eat it all day lon. wayw, it time to go. i haf to go to class now to learn how be chef. it fun. goo-bye.

oh by da way, you haf to tew me wha to do. i don know what to do. so hewp me.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

The Candy Man Can

i can honestly say that i reached one of my greatest goals yesterday. so about a week ago i got a job at Coney's....a frozen yogurt/fast food place. mostly what the job entailed was cleaning toilets and grilling hot dogs. after a weekend of thought, i decided i can do whatever i want with my life, and working at a place called Coney's most certainly was quite the opposite. so then i got a job at panda express. i was pretty excited seeing as chinese is my favorite food in the world, and i would actually be cooking in a wok. i'm going to school for culinary arts, and truly, cooking with a wok is exactly what someone like me is looking for. however, i have to say i did indeed turn that job down. why might you ask? let me tell you i can give you a perfectly good reason. i randomly went into a store called Kara's chocolates the other day, and i handed them a resume, not thinking anything of it. come to find a week later, i got an interview, and once again, got the job. every now and then i wonder to myself why i didn't go for the panda job, seeing as it pays 75 cents more an hour, but then i remember a little piece of information they forwarded to me during the interview at kara's. the manager let me know that while on the job, i can eat AS MUCH chocolate as i want. she said that everything in the store was available to the workers absolutely free of charge. ding. i took the job. anyone else looking to become quickly overweight like me, please join. i'm utterly beside myself. the moral of today's blogary is the fact that two weeks ago i was crying/stressed out of my mind because i was jobless. now i find myself with three jobs, one of which is my ultimate dream. hang in there, you too might find yourself behind the counter at a candy shop.

Friday, September 09, 2005

And Many More.....

so after having a discussion with my mom on life after death i decided i'd bloggerize about it. we debated for quite some time about whether or not living forever would be enjoyable, my mom arguing that you could do all of the things you've ever wanted to do. let's see, i feel like when i go to las vegas there are so many things to do you'd never get bored, but somehow by the end of the day i'm completely satisfied for about a year. this is how i feel about living forever. FOREVER. okay, so heaven's going to be like, golden paved streets and mansions like you've never dreamed with neverending rooms made of marshmallows and candy, but still i can honestly say, i am positive after about three trillion years of that, you'd get bored of it. yet there will still be three trillion MORE eons to go. and three trillion MORE. and so on. have i proved my point? so let's find a loophole aye?

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Perv-Phobia

i suffer from a very severe case of perv-phobia. i believe all women have a mild problem with this, but my case is slightly out of the ordinary. let me briefly explain the symptoms. first of all, i have an extreme fear of men that breath heavy for no reason at all. i understand catching a bus a panting for a while, but when i'm squished next to a middle-aged man for twenty minutes and he is still panting like a dog, all i can think to myself is "PERVERT". secondly, any man that wears a chain or necklace with a large golden falcon at the end of it creeps me out. another problem that i try to avoid is the uh, socks with sandals issue. riddle me why men feel it is okay to be publicly revolting and i may give dating another chance. but as for today i'm utterly convinced all men are in a word...pervs. goodbye to falling in love and hello to being eternally single in an apartment with my cat.

(i'd like to clarify, this blog isn't all completely true. i would never live with a cat.)

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Bloginning

As a first-timer i'm not exactly sure how to begin. a few sisters of mine and my crazy mom have blogs, and they seem to have it down. they know exactly what story to tell, and how long to make it, so on. however, i say, i'm just going to trail on for now...if thats alright with you.

i'll begin my telling you my most recent story. i just moved to orem, utah, which in a word could be called the marriage capital of the world. people in this city get married more often than in a drive up chapel in vegas. our fridge is pasted top to bottom with wedding invitations from people in our ward, our institute classes, on our floor, and many more i, or any of my roommates for that matter, have never even seen.

i had made an oath to myself before i stepped foot into this meat-market that i would NOT get sucked in. prior to moving in and actually seeing this place, i was convinced all the men here had some secret way of reeling girls in, because seriously, the proposal rate here is astonishing. (now that i'm here i can say this is completely true). so i had vowed to close my eyes and ears to all flattery, and remember the real reason i was here:school....school....school.

next thing i know, i'm on a date with a returned missionary, four years older than me, completely in marriage mode. the first step into the quick sand. not soon after i found myself totally liking him. i can only end by saying, this place is vicious. in all sincerity...stay far, far away.